Where has the time gone

Well, I just have one question - do you think I've gone back to work? The answer is YES! That's why I haven't posted in over two weeks...sheesh! My days are jam-packed full of getting (me and the kiddos) ready, working and driving around town and even up to Waco a few times a week...but my saving grace right now is that I was able to go to my favorite step aerobics class yesterday morning...while I feel great for having gone, I am hurtin' now. I didn't realize how much harder a step class is when you use the step - I went to this step class for a few months before TMR was born, but I didn't use a step because my center of gravity was so far off center. Well, the step kicked my tail! The Cleaver and I have made a conscious effort to eat healthier which has been a good move, but I must say, I sure don't feel like I'm eating well and starting up a workout routine again...bummer!

While I was at the step class, I was able to visit with another lady who attends the step class (she's a personal trainer) about when and when to do little workouts throughout my week. She suggested hitting the weekends hard (maybe twice a day) and then fitting in small workouts at lunch. I'll have to limit what I do in any lunch workout because I wear suits to work and they're never any fun to get back on after you've perspired even just a teensy bit. But I'm going to have to make some personal sacrifices if I'm going to actually commit to a true lifestyle change to be healthier...here we go...wish me luck! And hopefully I'll be able to update more often than every two weeks...I need to make time for this as well...

Suits

I just want to document somewhere that I am very proud of myself for not putting on a ton of weight with my second pregnancy. Since I am returning to work on Monday, I thought it prudent to go into my closet to make sure I had something professional to wear. Well, my suits still fit!! That is such a relief. I probably should've checked last night so I could have taken them to the dry-cleaners since I haven't worn them in many, many months, but oh well. I'll send them some time soon.

I'm just glad that I can now get rid of every piece of maternity clothes I own. A group of women that I associate with have a ladies' night every 6 months that is a baby/maternity swap so all of my stuff will be gone by April. Most everything is already in the garage ready to go, but it will all be out of the closet/house by April.

That will be a wee bit emotional because it will be the closing of a very important chapter in my life, but I have been blessed with two beautiful children that mean the world to me. But I am glad that it's a chapter that's closing because I do want to concentrate some of my time and effort on myself and some lifelong goals I would like to get started on - like eating healthy(ier) and leading a more active lifestyle. Well, I guess it's time to get started...

Perfect People

I listen primarily to contemporary Christian music. I love the melodies and the message. There is a song by Natalie Grant that is currently played on the radio called Perfect People. It has become an inspiration for me. You see, I work for a company that doesn't look too keenly on weakness. Knowing that unspoken, yet rewarded philosophy very early, I adapted in order to find success. Well, now I'm so afraid to show any sign of weakness, even if in my personal life only, that I feel like I'm putting up a front. With two very young children, things are bound to go awry. But I'm finding that I don't open up about the drama that is now our life because I don't want anyone [above me] to get the idea that I can't handle my business. So when I heard this song for the first time, and really let the lyrics sink in, I realized it was written for people like me.

After listening to this song for the past few months, and having been on leave for the past [almost] 8 weeks, it has allowed me to get more accepting of the imperfections of my life, my parenting abilities, and me. I have grown to be more accepting and actually acknowledge that they exist. I am thankful to God for opening my heart, to my babies who unsuspectingly are dealing with my flaws, and to my husband for accepting it all - the good, the bad and the ugly.

I've included the lyrics below for your perusal. I hope, someday, you get a chance to hear the song because it is a gem, and I think too many people fall prey to this philosophy, as I did - and hard.

Perfect People
by Natalie Grant

Never let 'em see you when you're breaking
Never let 'em see you when you fall
That's how we live and that's how we try
Tell the world you've got it all together
Never let them see what's underneath
Cover it up with a crooked smile
But it only lasts for a little while

[CHORUS:]
There's no such thing as perfect people
There's no such thing as a perfect life
So come as you are, broken and scared
Lift up your heart and be amazed
And be changed by a perfect God

Suddenly it's like a weight is lifted
When you hear the words that you are loved
He knows where you are and where you've been
And you never have to go there again

[CHORUS]

Who lived and died to give new life
To heal our imperfections
So look up and see out let grace be enough

Getting Back in Shape

I have one question - How is a working mom with a working husband supposed to get back into pre-baby shape? As I sit here, I'm reminded of all of the things that need to get done in a day - and I'm not even back to work yet. I can anticipate it taking about two hours to get the fam ready in the mornings before work in order for me to be remotely on time and then picking them up in the evenings requires an hour commute all around town. When we get home, there'll be baths and prayers. After the kiddos are down for the night, that's when The Cleaver and I finally eat dinner. Throw in maybe one show on the DVR, clean the kitchen, straighten up the house and pull out clothes for the next day. That doesn't leave much time at all for working out. The Cleaver likes to go to the gym in the evenings which is why he takes the kids in the mornings and I pick them up in the evenings (for the most part). But I'm still confused as to when I'm supposed to fit in this ever-important workout that is going to get me back into shape.

I sure hope the burden doesn't lie with my diet. I'm not very strong in that arena. I have always been an "eat what I want when I want it" type of person. I try not to buy chips/cookies/etc so that I can't eat them when I'm in a snacky mood or when preparing a real lunch doesn't sound appealing. But I'm still a sucker for ice cream, cereal and loads of pasta. I've been tackling my diet for some time now and seem to have gotten my breakfasts under control - by drinking them. I love chocolate Carnation Instant Breakfast. It works on two fronts - it feeds my sweet tooth, and more importantly, I'm not really hungry for solid food that early. So I drink my breakfast which serves to control my caloric intake in the mornings and make me full until almost lunch time. Thank you Carnation! Actually I used to drink Amway breakfast drinks (they were much better) but they changed their formula and they just aren't quite as good as they used to be. So I've dropped the hassle of getting my breakfast mailed to me and gone with what I can get at the grocery store.

I share all of that to say that I've got one of the three meals I eat under control. I truly need to tackle lunch because typically it's a sandwich from the local shop. If I packed my lunches or ate a frozen meal, then I would be much better off, but I don't want a breakfast drink and a frozen meal to be my lifestyle for the long haul. That is way too depressing, but something's gotta give. So I guess I'll work on making my lunches the night before so I can include more healthy alternatives to eating out. But again, that eats into my evenings so again I ask, when am I supposed to get some physical activity??

I've committed to walking/rollerblading with our dogs in the mornings while The Cleaver helps get the kiddos ready for the day, but that equates to about 15 minutes of slow-paced walking and a few trips on the blades up and down our street. How am I supposed to lose 20 pounds doing that? Yikes...I'm going to have attend every aerobics class at our gym on Saturdays...Sheesh!! The forecast looks bleak that I'll be back to pre-baby weight any time soon. Oh well, I have two beautiful kids, and I wouldn't trade them for anything! I have been truly blessed.

The Cleaning Lady

I have always been a huge proponent of having someone else clean my house. I am not a very domestic person...or at least I wasn't before now. I'm not talented in the kitchen (except I can load a mean dishwasher), I seem to have a very high threshold for clutter, and The Cleaver does the laundry. Well, since I've been home juggling two kiddos (contrasted with my first leave where I was just trying to get sleep and possibly a shower from time to time), I seem to have found my domestic groove. I've been on top of the laundry, the kitchen is almost always clean and dinners, these days, have been pretty awesome, if I don't say so myself.

So all of that brings me to my point: Am I ready to discontinue my cleaning service?? I have been known to get enthusiastic and very confident that I will keep up with the cleaning and make our house look fantastic or at least taken care of and attended to, but I seem to fall short of the mark each time. So I'm worried that I'm wearing rose-colored glasses regarding the issue. But there is a part of me that feels that this time is different. I really want to do a great job of maintaining our home, but with a career, two kiddos and a husband to care for, I'm wondering what's going to have to fall off of the table - it might very well be my ability to clean our house.

Someone wise once told me to never hire a babysitter to watch your child so you can clean your house. I know that seems elementary, but I've always kept it tucked in my memory bank. So, with my return looming, I'll let that transition take its course and then figure out if I'm really going to be able to commit to the domestic side of things or if I'll continue paying for the enjoyment of a clean house without the effort.

Back to Work

As I sit here dreading my return to the office next week, I am reminded of all of the aspects of my job that satisfy me. I am a driven, Type A person that thrives under pressure. I know I will enjoy being back, but I have thoroughly enjoyed the last 7, almost 8, weeks home with my kids. CCR is 18 months old and TMR is 7, almost 8, weeks old. I have always had a respect for SAHM's, but I am especially amazed with the sacrifices SAHM's make to raise successful contributors to society. My leave has brought about challenges that even I wasn't sure I could handle. CCR has a few traits that I'm not proud of (we're working on them), and it has shown me that my degrees did nothing to prepare me for dealing with the bad habits and nasty phases of toddlerhood. There's a little part of me that is looking forward to dealing with the predictable challenges of the office.

I am retired from my baby-bearing years which is music to The Cleaver's ears. That will allow me to concentrate on other areas of my life - like raising these two kids we've managed to bring into this world not quite 17 months apart, getting back into shape and moving up in the working world. And it will allow him to quantify the chaos in his life.

While my leave of absence has been very fulfilling for me, and a much needed change of pace for CCR, it has highlighted my contributions to the office. While they have done a great job of "leaving me alone", there were inevitably issues that arose that have needed my attention. Don't get me wrong, feeling valuable is not lost on me, but I must admit that I found myself avoiding the emails that needed follow-up. While my leave has been 99% parenthood and keeping up with the daily chores, I know the priorities are going to have to change - a bit.

What I am finding especially frustrating is that I am torn. I love my job and love the company I work for (they do have their flaws - and some would say they're glaring), but I love my husband and children more. My job hasn't always been at the bottom of the totem pole, but the past few days, it's been hovering very low. I wish I was talented enough to parlay it into a work-from-home gig or that I was born into money, but neither is my story. With two degrees comes debt and a sense of obligation to put them to practice, but I can't deny my feelings of devotion to my family. But as things stand right now, I will enjoy the last few days of being home with my kids and gear up for a bittersweet return to work.